A FEW HOURS IN CHESTER

The alignment of stars and fate need not necessarily make for the epic.   Mostly it’s pretty humdrum.  And so, quite by chance, I found myself recently with a few hours to spare in the city of Chester with both camera and notebook.  Perfect.

It’s a wonderful thing simply to meander without any goal but it’s probably easier somewhere you don’t know at all: no expectations.  I took to the city walls, slalomed round the tourists studying maps and facts and dates and events, and tried to focus on atmosphere.  I forget all the facts except the most basic ones on my travels and so don’t bother much with them now.

A fine river frontage ruined by three flatroofed blocks of offices or flats over on the far bank of The Dee.  A man either dancing or talking animatedly in a bandstand.  An amphitheatre and other Roman ruins helpfully though unhistorically assembled all in one place.  I look down from a city gate onto the street scene and behind me hear a tour guide launch into his spiel.  He’s quite animated and I listen for a moment  or two and then find when I turn round that he has a tour group of one – a slightly embarrassed looking young woman who obviously feels that she has to respond continually.  Exhausting.

St. John’s church.  Never been in it before.  So much clutter at the back of churches these days.  Coaches from Shropshire waiting outside and their tour groups idling slowly round the aisles.  A queue for the church toilets and I hear a woman say to another: “Have you been to Lytham?  Lytham’s nice. Is there only one toilet?”

“No.  Two” says her friend “but the other one’s for the disabled.”

The church building itself is quite fine, the lower Norman arches topped by Early English ones on the clerestory.  I think of the way that buildings are thrown up now – this church obviously took so long to build that it spans two clear architectural periods.

It’s mid-afternoon and getting dark.  I manage a couple more shots from the walls and then cut up into town for a cuppa.  The English teashop is such a great civilised tradition - the  modern coffee house simply cannot compete - but it’s finding a decent one.  My pot of tea is at least made of real leaves but the scone has been microwaved warm and falls apart in my hands.  That’s six quid and thank you kindly, sir.

Darkness falls after a magnificent red and aquamarine sunset made all the more startling by the fact that the sun has not been out all day.

When I develop the photos there’s not a single decent one other maybe than this below.  I’m trying to get to grips with a 35mm lens that I bought recently.  It can be difficult but what I like is the way it will create a large context for a small detail – a bit like a Chinese landscape if that does not stretch things too far.  I waited for several figures to pass across this scene until this old lady beetled through and I thought maybe that did the trick.

THE SAXOPHONE PLAYER

In an odd sort of a way, every photograph is a coincidence.

Having a surfeit of energy a few weeks ago I took my camera and bicycle out to the coast for a blow.  I cycled south through the dunes from Southport and then inland to Liverpool catching a couple of exhibitions on the way.  I  checked in at the Youth Hostel where I’d booked my bed for the night (despite my now very tenuous claim on any kind of youth).  It was a warm evening and still quite light so I took myself off towards the river frontage with the camera.  Having made the perilous crossing of the four-lane highway that divides the city from the water I heard – apparently from nowhere – a long burst of saxophone through the evening air.  I have the road to my right and some scrubby open land, fencing and low buildings to my left – but no obvious saxophonist.  Curious.

I’m not a great fan of recorded music: I find it very disruptive.  But this was both live and unexpected which is quite different – a great delight.  So I set off to investigate.  After a minute or two I found the source. 

 Wedged into just a few feet between a brick building and some boundary fencing, this guy was blowing wild phrases on his sax, up, down, round and back, fast and slow, his long conga line of notes snaking randomly through the air and mixing distantly with the thrum of the traffic.  I was an audience of one for this curious performance which was so entrancing that I forgot the camera in my hand.  Then the notes began to die – maybe he’d spotted me – and I just managed to get this one shot through the fence before he stopped, packed up the sax and disappeared.

Reality is a thin ice, is it not?  This guy and I spend our respective days which coincide briefly for that minute’s concert and then we are both off again and all that is left is this photograph to show what once briefly was.

ONE FOR THE ECONOMISTS

Jaywick Martello Tower: Hasselblad 500 C/M: Ilford FP4+ @ 200.

 On holiday in Essex this summer I noticed on the OS map this Martello Tower and read in a pamphlet that it is now a gallery and visitor centre so we set out for a visit.  It is located at a place called Jaywick just down the road from Clacton at the mouths of the Rivers Blackwater and Colne.  As we cruised down, that name ‘Jaywick’  kept circling round and round in my head.  Where had I heard it before?  Then it came to me.

“Jaywick” I said to Mrs B. “is, I’m pretty sure, the place that is often referred to as the most deprived ward in the country.  I’ve just remembered.”

And indeed, as we hit the outskirts it was clear that we had come to a very unusual place.  So far as I could see, it seemed to consist mostly of static mobile homes – some beautifully kept in well-tended gardens and others on their last legs.  I   felt the atmosphere in the air on that warm summer afternoon was guarded but not hostile.  Shops were few but there was plenty of life about the place.  We had to go right through to get to the Martello Tower which turned out to be shut that day so I never got to see inside.  I looked the place up later and found that it had originally been a holiday camp for Londoners sited on saltmarshes with no agricultural value.  Bit by bit, over the years, it became permanently inhabited.   A home here wii cost you about £60,000 or so, apparently.

We cruised back and carried on round the coast to a place called Brightlingsea where we found these beach huts grouped round a pleasant little Marina. 

Brightlingsea Marina Beach Huts: Hasselblad 500 C/M: Ilford FP4+ @200

We had to buy some food so went into the town centre where glancing into an estate agent’s window we were pretty shocked to find that the huts were changing hands for about £40,000 each.

How has this happened?  How is it that a stone’s throw from the poorest place in England a beach hut will cost you 40,000 quid?  Should this not be an essential question on every economics course in every university in the country?  No answers based on neoclassical economic theory permitted: we’ve heard them all before.

ECSTATIC

St Winifred’s Well, Holywell, Wales. (Rolleicord/Ilford HP5+)

I took this photo last summer at an old Catholic shrine at Holywell.  I was on a cycle camping trip round the Welsh coast and this was a place, mentioned in the Middle English poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, which I did not want to miss.  It was a long, a very long, pull up from the coast road on a hot day and I was beginning to wonder if it would be worth it by the time I got there.  It was.

I had imagined it would be a hole in the ground with perhaps an information board but it is very much more than that.  Legend connects it with St Winifred and there are the usual stories of miracle cures.  As you can partly see above, the well itself is enclosed within a 15th century vaulted gallery. It is built into the hillside and on top of that is a chapel.  The charming lady at the till gave me a rundown of the main figures in the well’s history and its chronology.  She was of a very kindly disposition but quite elderly and unfortunately she couldn’t quite call to mind either the names of the figures or any dates in the chronology. Nonetheless, as her historical tour d’horizon meandered towards some distant conclusion, I did my best to remind myself that this is presumably how legend has been passed down through the centuries and accuracy is perhaps less important than narrative.  After about 15 minutes, sensing some understandable restiveness in the growing queue behind me, I made my excuses and advanced into the well’s precincts.

As I neared it I became aware of some sort of hubbub, a splashing and shouting, and I saw that there was a plunge pool in front of the well proper and in it were several figures.  Nearer still I heard Irish accents.  A middle-aged man in the water seemed to be encouraging youngsters in.  But it was a figure beyond him that drew my eye: a woman perhaps in her sixties, fully-dressed but her body completely immersed, making her way round the pool, grasping onto its edge as she went.  Her eyes half-closed,  her face thrust upwards, she was reciting some incomprehensible litany, swaying forward then stopping, then forward again, round and round.  She was clearly undergoing an ecstatic experience.  Although I was brought up a Catholic and educated by the fiercely faithful I have never seen such a thing in this country.  Occasionally one of the woman’s group would come and support her as she made her way round and round the pool.  When I glanced about me I realised that on the benches arranged against the stone walls surrounding the area were seated other figures, their eyes closed too and their lips moving silently.  Just for a second, I was transported back to a medieval Britain in which faith was a commonplace and reason a mystery.  Then the eye of my imagination snapped shut and I was back in the 21st century.

I got the key for the chapel and went up to have a look and when I got back they were all out of the pool and dried and chatting amicably at some tables and chairs as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

I had stayed much longer than I meant to and was well behind schedule.  Then I was further detained by the views over the estuary from Flint Castle so that when I cycled into the industrial hinterland of Ellesmere Port in early evening I was beginning to wonder where on earth I was going to camp for the night.  Then I came off route, rounded a corner and – boom – out of nowhere a pop-up campsite.  I put up my tent, heated some food, sat back and raised my glass of tea to St Winifred.

Processional Cross, St Winifred’s Well. (Rolleicord/Ilford HP5+)

QUAKERS AND PIES

Wood Carving, Quaker Meeting House, Settle.

In Settle marketplace, in Yorkshire, I stood my bicycle next to two tourers with razor-thin saddles then pushed open the door of a nearby café.  Inside, two women in cycling gear sat over a pot of tea and I was about to give the conventional cyclists’ nod when I realised they were not going to make eye contact.  I couldn’t pursue the inevitable chain of speculation that this prompted because after a good morning’s pedalling something far more important was on my mind and that was cheese and onion pie.  Installed at a table, I discovered though that all the menu offered was quiche.  Now cheese and onion quiche is not cheese and onion pie – obviously.  This perhaps northern aperçu was redundant however, as it turned out that the quiche was off anyway.  This was not going well but in a flash of inspiration I asked if there was any chance of an off-menu cheese and onion pie and she said yes, she could get one from their baker’s next door.  I ordered that and a bottle of dandelion and burdock and sat back triumphantly.  Another waitress put a mysterious slip of paper on my table.  It had neither my order, nor the price on it, just a single number. 

As I waited I thought about the Quaker Meeting House I had just visited.  It was one of the oldest in the country - plain, austere almost, and had that quality you sometimes get in religious buildings once you have closed the door behind you: it is as though time has been suspended and space unframed.   It’s not the design that does that but what informs the design.  What makes it, makes it, so to speak.

The waitress brought my order and I saw to my disappointment that it was a pasty, not a pie.  Not only is a quiche not a pie – a pasty is not a pie, either.  Only a pie is a pie: does this have to be spelt out?  Inside this pasty was some sort of processed mash of cheese and onion and possibly  potato.  Disappointing.  The chips were dry, too, and I mean dry in a suspicious kind of way.  An air fryer kind of way.  I needed every drop of the dandelion and burdock to get it all down.  As an act of self-discipline nonetheless, I left two of the chips.

The cycling ladies were preparing to go, keeping their backs firmly towards me.  They were wearing shorts with gel padding – presumably to counter uncomfortable saddles.  It is an odd solution to an unnecessary problem, I thought peevishly. Why not just fit a comfortable saddle in the first place? 

I paid up and left, riding up a steep incline out of town that eventually beat me so I got off and pushed.  Once the gradient had flattened out I started to rattle a bit  unsteadily along a rough bridleway. The headbearing was loose, I knew, and I could really feel it here.  The bicycle had had to be taken apart recently to straighten a dented downtube and it hadn’t been put back together properly.  I’d adjusted it several times but it wouldn’t nip up as it should have.  It wasn’t serious for the moment so I put it out of my mind.  Magnificent views stretched away over the surrounding hills. 

Church Door, All Hallows, Rathmell, Yorkshire.

A horse-drawn caravan stood off the path and as I passed its dog darted at me, snarling and feinting.  I was just considering my options in a frantic sort of a way when a figure appeared from the caravan and shouted roughly at the dog which skulked away.  Heaven knows what the sheep watching from the other side of a stone wall thought of all this: probably - rather me than them. To my left three horses had ignored the whole fracas.

I then followed a long bumpy descent into a town with a famous outdoor shop whose marketing trumpets the joys of adventure, challenges and self-discovery.  It had started to pour with rain so I decided to pop in for a browse and, frankly, some shelter.  But it was one minute to closing time as I tried the locked door and the staff kept their eyes firmly averted. 

It took me several minutes to cross the main road and then I pulled on my rain cape, put my head down and pedalled off into the deluge.  Ten minutes later I came across a huge bowser blocking the road.  It was making an emergency delivery of water.  In a rainstorm.

Wall Detail, Quaker Meeting House, Settle.

I took all three photos on this rather damp cycle trip with a Hasselblad 500 CM on FP4+ @ 200

NOSING AROUND

Bromholm Priory, ruins of Chapter House wall.

If you have the time and means to nose around the backwaters of the UK you will generally come across something of interest sooner or later.   You might need a map, and you will definitely need a sense of curiosity and an open mind, but you will get there.

Recovering from a shambolic lunch in a Norfolk café this summer (howling dogs, bizarre salads and bickering staff) I set off on a walk round the coastal village of Bacton to clear my head.  A workman trimming hedges stopped to let me pass and as I turned to get past him I saw, a couple of fields away, the magnificent ruin above.  I asked him if it was possible to get closer to it.  He told me that it was part of an old monastery, now on a working farm; that he and his pals had played there as children; that a new farming generation had banned them; but the very latest entail holders seemed not to mind visitors.  So I marched up the drive to a kind of Gormenghast Hall in a deserted farmyard and rang the bell.  Nothing.  I rang again.  Shuffling of feet.  Door opens.  Darkened hallway.  Young man.  Could I look at his ruins?  Sure, he said, and shut the door.

Bromholm Priory, ruins of refectory wall.

So - I looked.    There wasn’t much to see bar these walls and some unkempt farm buildings and machinery but that just stimulated my imagination all the more.  All around me stretched the big East Anglian skies and flat landscape.  The sea was only a few fields away. A shower of rain fell.  The wind blew. The atmosphere was breathtaking.  Something ineffable pulsed for a second and then was gone.  I stared through the Hasselblad’s ground glass and clicked several times. Then suddenly it was all over and I found myself standing in a farmyard in Norfolk.  And a scruffy one at that.  So I resumed my walk and got soaked in a second shower.

Bromholm Priory, ruins of Chapter House.

(You can find out more about Bromholm Priory, a Cluniac monastery built in the 12th century and suppressed in the 16th century - together with a lovely little 3D model of it put together by The Paston Heritage Society - here .

I took the photos with a Hasselblad 500CM on Ilford FP4+ rated at 200 and developed in Ilford DDX. )

A WALK IN THE WOODS

In April I wrote a blog post about a retreat that I had been on.  I thought that I had finished with it as a subject but when I came to develop and scan some of the photos I took I realised there was something else to say.

The location of the retreat was an educational trust housed in some beautifully refurbished farm/manor buildings next to the grounds of a later manorial building,  possibly 18th century,  itself surrounded by extensive fields and woodlands.  As a retreatant you have the right to wander in these grounds.

Sycamore leaves in April. Beautiful patterning.

One morning I decided to take myself off during free time with my Rolleicord.  It was just after I had taken the photograph above that I noticed a figure approaching.  I had seen one or two random dog walkers on other days but this chap looked a bit different.   He was dressed as if by one of the better kind of gents’ country outfitters circa 1960: leather, waxed cotton, moleskin, a trilby.  A suspicion formed in my mind.

I was approaching from his right and could see that I would have to exercise a quarter-turn back onto the main path and so pass him.  Clearly we could not ignore one another.

“Good morning” I said to seize the initiative.

“Good morning” he replied.

I think there may have been a few words about the weather then - silence.

Then he said, “Who are you?”

Since we were both Englishmen of a certain age and therefore in the business of Giving Nothing Away For The Moment conversationally I thought this was a tad direct.  I clearly wasn’t a dog walker since I didn’t have a dog   But he had asked me so I replied.

“I’m Peter” I said.

This had the merit of answering his question yet revealing nothing.  (I think that somewhere in the back of my mind was a scene from a Just William story in which William meets a Great Actor somewhere in his village.  After a short exchange the Great Actor booms at William: “Don’t you know who I am?”  And William replies: “No, an’ I bet you don’t know who I am either.”)

By now, my suspicion had turned to certainty.  This was the Lord of the Manor.  He clearly did not see it as his place to explain that and so I had to take him by the hand conversationally, so to speak.

“You’re the owner?”

“Yes.”

I explained that I was a retreatant from next door.  (Who else would be walking around his private forest, I wondered, and then thought of the dog walkers. Maybe he was patrolling.)

“Of course you are!” he cried.  “How stupid of me.”

For my part, I wanted no toff-meets-commoner politenesses so I yanked the conversation right round and asked about  how he managed the woodlands.  Very little, seemed to be the answer.  Then I asked about the many, many yew trees and their age.  But he, in turn, was having  none of my man-to-man egalitarianism.

“Not very old” he shrugged,  “The Victorians were very fond of them, you know”  Was there just a hint of lineage there, I wondered.

I thought that I had done my bit for inter-class harmony by that point.

“Good to meet you” I said.

“Quite” he replied, and we went on our separate ways.

He seemed a decent cove and I would like to have stayed chatting to him for longer but I didn’t think he was inviting it.  I did get this photograph of a beech tree below, though, immediately after.

It was just before taking this picture that I had the encounter above. This is a magnificent beech which stands at the crossing point of two woodland paths. Or is it two beech trees wrapped round one another? I should have looked a little more closely. Now what I see is two trees locked in a lifelong embrace.

IF YOU GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY

Zorki 4K + Jupiter 8: Delta 100 developed in ID-11

Midway upon the journey of our life

I found myself within a dark forest

For the straightforward path had been lost

(Dante. The Divine Comedy: Inferno, Canto 1)

It is said that in the Middle Ages a squirrel could have travelled from the cathedral at Bath and Wells to York Minster (well over 250 miles) without ever touching the ground so thickly wooded was the land in those days. Even now, just occasionally on my walks, I step out of the daylight into deep forest; the temperature drops, the shadows deepen, I check my step and glance around, then try to make out the path ahead. Millions of years of evolution have left a shadow of fear deep inside our brains in these surroundings. Small wonder that the dark woods stand for peril and loss of bearings in so many dark, dark tales.

WAITING FOR THE MIRACLE (2)

Taken with a Rolleicord Vb on Ilford FP4 developed in Ilford ID-11

I had spotted this group on the Great Orme in Llandudno and thought it might arrange itself into something if I paid attention.  But I had also spotted out of the corner of my eye a fellow enthusiast edging towards me.  Edging towards me, I imagined, because he had spotted the camera that I had hanging off my shoulder - a 1960s Rolleicord.  He himself was carrying a modern digital camera with a very long lens.  I had a feeling that somehow I was going to be tested.

I kept my eye on the swirling kaleidoscope of figures  at the summit but it was only as the group on the right of the photograph above sidled helpfully into the frame and then the young woman by the trig point raised her arms that I felt the miracle had happened.  I took one shot, just in time.

“Are they as great as everyone says?” he asked, beside me a moment later and nodding at my camera.

I felt this boxed me in a tad.  If I said yes it was, then I would be setting myself up to justify that; and if I said ‘no’ then the obvious question was ‘why do you bother then?’  The only thing to do was to tug the exchange round in a different direction.

“Look,” I said, pushing the camera towards him “the image is reversed in the viewfinder.”  I’d have to admit that there might have been an element of majesty in that response, because everyone who is up to snuff knows the image is reversed in these cameras.

We proceeded to push the conversational pieces around the board but it wasn’t a very interesting exchange.  The territory of photography is so vast that you often stumble across tribes that you only vaguely knew existed.  You  speak their language only brokenly and they seem to have no idea of yours.  His interest was digital night sky photography.  I’m afraid I can’t even identify the North Star.  Ostensibly, capturing digital images of the moving heavens is the same activity as snapping shifting groups of figures on black and white film but in practice there isn’t that much in common.

After a few desultory minutes we tacitly agreed on a kind of amicable no-score conversational draw and he continued on his way.  I turned back to the scene I had photographed to find it had disappeared into the ether and this one frame is the only evidence that it ever existed.

(For Waiting For The Miracle (1) see May’s blogposts below.)

HIGH AND MIGHTY

I’ve often thought that the skyscraper or towerblock is the perfect symbol of our economic system because it is very high and has a very small base.  It’s a picture of instability.  As I watch the towers spring up here in Manchester I feel uneasy: too many, too late, too sporadic.  One day, if you ever get the chance, stand close to the bottom of one where it meets the street.  It’s hard not to shiver in its icy maw.

Here is a picture of a pair of them which I took down where the Ship Canal meets the River Irwell, near Pomona Island. Not unusually, they reflect one another - eclipsing perspectives and setting up their own order.

Oly 1-21 # 012.jpg

WAITING FOR THE MIRACLE

A blowy day on the coastal dunes west of Liverpool. The Marram grass which takes up most of the picture and which is so common on these sandy expanses has a very distinct visual quality, particularly in the wind. The light seems to bounce off it endlessly. As I stood and watched, figures came and went. I raised the camera to my eye, hoping for some sort of visual balance between the patterns of the grass and the movement of the people to emerge. You have to be quick because it is there and gone in an instant. (It can become uncomfortable too, standing there with your arm raised and squinting through the viewfinder.) The scene here emptied and filled up once or twice but eventually this moment emerged.

Oly Sept-Oct 20018.jpg

A VERY FINE FOG

The world of phenomena never fails to amaze.

I stumbled my way up Snowdon last year with a camera in my pack.  I didn’t take a single picture on the way up because I was too busy with the exertion of the climb.  When I got to the top there was a thick mist obscuring the view in all directions.  It was very busy, my hands were freezing because I had no gloves and I got well-chilled eating my sandwiches.  There is a small plateau which counts, I think, as the mountain’s official top but there were so many people trying to get up to it that I decided not to bother.  I went just a little further and suddenly the line of jostling forms and sloping stone resolved itself into this:

Oly Sept-Oct 20030.jpg
Oly Sept-Oct 20031.jpg

I have a small series now of photos of figures in fog and mist. They could be seen as a metaphor, of course, but that would be a big mistake. To my eye, they are studies in form. I raise the camera, look through the viewfinder and wait for the scene to resolve itself into some sort of visual coherence. Then I press the shutter button. Simple as that - except that it took me a whole lifetime to get to where I was standing for the 1/60th of a second that each shot took.

We may imagine that we are born into a life waiting for us like a stage set on which we play out our role but I think a better way of looking at it is that the life we are born into is ours alone and is unique. Your life is whatever you encounter and so one else is living the same life as you.   You can’t exchange any part of your experience for anyone else’s but a photograph is at least one way of revealing it.

PILGRIMAGE

Since little stirs through the dark days of February - especially in lockdown - I thought I would try to cheer things up a bit with another travel tale (much as I did early last year), this time from about ten years ago. The journey was in deepest Russia. The mode of transport was a motorcycle and sidecar - a combination generally known to enthusiasts as a “combo” or “outfit”. It is, in my opinion, the great but sadly forgotten means of transport: it combines all the exhilaration of a motorcycle with the luggage-carrying capacity of a small car. Since Russia is a country which fascinates me, putting the two together seemed to be a masterstroke. I wrote the article up on return and it was duly published in a motorcycle mag. I have amended it for this blog to miss out matters of interest only to dyed in the wool petrolheads.

PILGRIMAGE

WARNING:  Due to the nature of the tour certain everyday words used in this article have a specialised meaning which I ought to explain.  They are as follows: 

Day: a length of time between periods of sleep not measured in hours and bearing no relationship at all to dawn, dusk, planetary cycles or any other cosmic phenomena whatsoever; 

Road: a generally consistent direction across the earth’s surface varying from a hideously dangerous four-lane highway to the vaguest hint of a track disappearing into trees; 

Tent: an expanse of tarpaulin anchored to the ground by at least three corners which is apparently designed to accelerate the momentum of falling rain; 

Meal: anything from a mouthful of chocolate to a stomach-straining sequence of courses; 

Route:  a week’s generally circular direction, largely made up from hour to hour;   

Guide:  Sergei; 

Sergei:  the guy with the map;

Map:  that crumpled piece of paper Sergei has in his hand;

 

Making our way through deepest Russia on board the magnificent Ural 750 outfit.

Making our way through deepest Russia on board the magnificent Ural 750 outfit.

 Here is the story.  Mrs Barker and I fancied an adventure.  Being keen motorcyclists and thinking, as we were, about getting back into sidecarring, we decided to go on the annual Pilgrimage to Irbit.  This is a week’s tour of backroads Russia organised by the West European importer of Ural motorcycles which are the only present-day purpose-built motorcycle and sidecar outfits.  They are mechanically very simple, or primitive some might say, versions of pre-war BMWs.  The design plans for them were either supplied by the Nazis under the Molotov-Von Ribbentrop pact; or simply the result of the Russians buying one, taking it apart and copying it.  Like so many things in Russia - No One Really Knows.  Irbit, a town of some 40,000 souls in Sverdlovsk oblast, is the site of the factory which makes these outfits. Hence the idea of “Pilgrimage”.

 So we paid our money, we got our visas and we turned up in Prague airport on the appointed day.  We had very little idea of what would fill the next week other than that it would be in Russia and would involve Ural outfits, a  museum and factory visit, a rally and some touring.  We had both been to Russia a number of times before and can speak conversational Russian.  So we thought we knew roughly what to expect. 

I suppose that, even without explicit directions, our party were all bound to bump into one another eventually at the airport since we were getting on the same plane to Ekaterinburg.  There were ten of us: eight British and two French.   Birgit, our Austrian minder and ace sidecar pilot, sketched out the plan for the first day: four hour flight to Ekaterinburg, breakfast (bodytime midnight), a coach tour of the city, four-hour drive to Irbit, hotel check-in, tour of the Irbit Motorcycle Museum,  tour of the Ural factory; pick up the outfits, dinner.  Then we could go to bed.  For those who had flown direct from the UK rather than taking a day or two in Prague that was a good 24 hours non-stop. 

The coach tour of Ekaterinburg was memorable largely for a visit to the site where the Russian imperial family was shot in 1917 and a glimpse of Boris Yeltsin’s old office when he was party boss in the 1980’s.  We then careered on to Irbit – a city unremarkable for anything really other than motorcycle production.   At the motorcycle museum those new to Russia learnt an important lesson right away.  This was that the answer to any question you ask of officialdom may depend entirely on the wording of the question. 

“Could we” we asked “take photos in the museum?”.

 “Nyet!  You have to buy a permit to do that!”  Very high price mentioned. 

We retreated to confer and then returned.  “Could we buy a group permit?” 

“Nyet!  These do not exist!” 

Another retreat and return. “Okay.  Where would we buy this permit?” 

“The permit seller is having her break!” 

Retreat.  Bright spark.  Return.  

“Could we buy the permits at the end of the tour?” 

Some thought.  “Da!” 

So we all snapped away and of course nothing more was ever said about permits.  This is an Important Russian Lesson:  when you meet with a “Nyet!” it’s probably your fault for asking the question in the wrong way. 

As you might expect, the museum was full of old Soviet motorcycles – some not entirely innocent of dust.  Our guide was at pains to point out however that it had recently been taken over by the government and was now an official State Museum.  “Just like the Hermitage in St Petersburg” he said  - which I felt was overstating the case a little.   

The factory was just down the road from the museum. In its heyday it consisted of 12 huge production sheds going full tilt and employing some 12000 workers. 

No tumbleweed but a certain air of dereliction…..

No tumbleweed but a certain air of dereliction…..

Now they are down to one shed and 400 employees.  In the yards, weeds grow up through cracked concrete and buildings are boarded up.  I didn’t actually see any tumbleweed blowing through these alleys nor hear any banjo twanging desolately but they didn’t seem far away.  So I stood there, closed my eyes and imagined the industrial clamour when the factory was first moved east during the war to keep it safe from the advancing German forces.  I conjured up mental pictures of hero workers toiling day and night on the soviet war effort.  In those days, we had been told at the museum, if a worker was ten minutes late for a shift they lost their half-kilo daily bread allowance.  If they were twenty minutes late they got ten years in the Gulag. 

But it’s easy to get nostalgic over such straightforward management techniques so I opened my eyes again and stepped with the group into the one functioning shed.  

Insiide the one functioning shed…..

Insiide the one functioning shed…..

Not exactly state of the art…..

Not exactly state of the art…..

It was spellbinding.  I love old industrial sites: the machinery, the smells, the shafts of sunlight falling on the dust of forgotten corners.  The workers themselves seemed redolent of another era with those strong features and bulging muscles that stared out from old Soviet posters as yet another production target was exceeded.  I saw one chap hump a huge lump of engine block from one bench to another.  In his trainers.  Health and Safety would have freaked out. 

A worker clears up her workbench….

A worker clears up her workbench….

And this is how to get a shine on your petrol tank….

And this is how to get a shine on your petrol tank….

A dusty but photogenic corner of the factory….

A dusty but photogenic corner of the factory….

 Eight brand new Ural outfits had been prepped for us so we hopped onto these and rode back to the hotel in downtown Irbit.  It was a gloriously unreconstructed Soviet era pile. These places are not luxurious but are always clean and basic in my experience.  We had just got into our room and unpacked when a plumber arrived to work on the shower turning off the water on a stiflingly hot day.  This could have been a negative experience but, then again, how often do you get to talk to a Russian plumber about cold solder?

 After that one last comfy night in a proper bed we headed off the next day for the Irbit Rally – one of Russia’s biggest and best.

Let the good times roll…..

Let the good times roll…..

Check out the samovar.

Check out the samovar.

 Part way through the day a great parade of bikes ran through town.  Crowds lined the streets as we rode through the heat and the dust, stopping to pay respect at the war memorial, jinking from side to side to miss the potholes, gawping at the crumbling infrastructure.  This is the country that was the first to send a man into space,  yet during the parade my eye was drawn to an old woman bent over a street corner standpipe collecting her domestic water…….. 

I still had to pinch myself.  For most of my life towns like this were closed to foreigners.  This was the enemy.  Now here I was waving and smiling at them as they cheered us on our way. 

Part of the afternoon’s entertainment….

Part of the afternoon’s entertainment….

The entertainment  at the show was a characteristically Russian fantasy.  First up on stage was a traditional small Russian choir and dance group, followed by young children reciting poetry – Russian is a very beautiful language and you don’t need to understand the poetry to appreciate its rhythms and cadences.  Then, as the night wore on, out came the inevitable heavy rock bands.  Campfires glowed in the dark and the Russians were producing wonderful dishes on blackened and battered pots and pans over campfires.  None of your namby-pamby camping stoves here. 

Not a Trangia in sight….

Not a Trangia in sight….

Not a world record, but definitely a lot of fun…..

Not a world record, but definitely a lot of fun…..

Sergei the Magnificent

Sergei the Magnificent

Next morning, many of the revellers had departed and quiet had descended by the time a loud banging, rattling and revving split the Sunday peace and a battered red Mercedes van bounced into view spluttering to a stop beside our tents.  Inside were our Support Team: burly Sergei, ex-all Russia sidecar motocross champ; lugubrious Sasha his sidekick; and their wives Svetlana and Olga.  They had spent the morning victualling up and a little after midday our column set out.  For some it was to be all about the miles but for me – I just wanted to go looking for Russia.

I found Russia at very close quarters some several minutes later.  Despite ten years experience of riding an outfit – admittedly not a Ural – I was disconcerted to find that at the first right-hand bend of any significance my machine simply went straight on.   We shot over the opposite (thankfully empty) carriageway and verge and ploughed through a hedgerow, fortunately avoiding any trees.  Exactly the same thing had happened to one of us the day before and he had come to rest unscathed in a field.  Unfortunately for us, on the far side of the hedgerow was not a field, but a lake.  And in we went.  You might say, of course, that if you are going to hit something in such circumstances then several feet of water and soft mud are not to be sneezed at. 

We were unhurt though soaked.  The outfit had to be pulled out with a towrope and the motorcycle and engine were submerged for about half an hour while that was done by Sergei and Sasha and assorted bystanders.  I assumed that my three-wheeled adventure had ended then and there.  No bike – no tour.  Oh ye of little faith.   In a nearby field they drained the oils, dried off the spark plugs and emptied out the carburettor float bowls.  Then they towed it round the field and we watched the pistons pump the water out of the cylinder heads in a sparkling sunlit parabola.  Back in with the plugs, filled up with oil and, mirabile dictu, it started first time.  I could hardly believe my eyes.  Since it tried to repeat its going-straight-on trick again at the next bend I handed it over to a more experienced Uralist to check who pointed out that the steering damper was tightened right up.  Once adjusted the handling reverted to nearer normal. 

We spent the next four days on tour.  There was plenty of on-road and plenty of off-road and plenty of something in between – the rough dirt roads that service the villages and farmsteads in the Russian countryside. 

And plenty of rivers to cross….

There were plenty of these to cross….

If you changed the people back into traditional Russian clothing much of what we saw as we rolled through these villages in the summer light could have come straight out of nineteenth-century landscape painting: Aivazovsky, Levitan, Shishkin and, my favourite, Arkip Kuindzhy.  Ducks and geese wandered at will.  Many of the traditional wooden houses were well-cared for with lovely vegetable gardens.  Others were tumbledown and had clearly been abandoned in the flight to the cities.  Out in the fields there were some modern tractors but also horse-driven ploughing.  Yet what looked like fairly up-to-date agricultural machinery could at times be seen rusting in compounds around the villages.  Unlike England, much of the landscape seems untouched by mankind, just rolling acres of forest and plain to the horizon.  I loved every moment of it. 

Errrr…… where’s the road?

Errrr…… where’s the road?

We really got to poke around behind the scenes in backwoods Russia.  The sense of adventure was heightened by the fact that we seemed to spend most of our time either partly or completely lost.  At one point, I had the distinct impression of going through the same village three times in one afternoon.  One of my abiding memories of the tour will be of Sergei skidding to a halt, leaping out of the van onto some passing local, stabbing a forefinger at the map, waving an arm to the four points of the compass, shouting incomprehensibly then leaping back into the van and roaring off, leaving the passerby in a haze of diesel fumes and staring in bewilderment at our passing cavalcade. 

You can lock the drive to the sidecar wheel so that you have three-wheel drive.  But it didn’t help much here.

You can lock the drive to the sidecar wheel so that you have three-wheel drive. But it didn’t help much here.

 Campsites were pretty wild and very picturesque.  The camping gear was adequate though if the weather had been very rough I am not sure how well it would have coped.  Although the daytime weather was beautifully sunny and warm there was a lot of rain at night and our tent leaked as did others.

Mother Russia.  The wonderful Svetlana and Olga.

Mother Russia. The wonderful Svetlana and Olga.

Cooking was done by Svetlana and Olga and was delicious.  All they had was a calor gas stove somewhere in the depths of the red van but everything was fresh, hot, nutritious and smothered in delicious dill.  They even put dill on the breakfast fried eggs (now a standard serving procedure in the Barker household).  Meals were, um, irregular: it was best to eat whenever you could since you were never sure when the next opportunity would arise.  But every evening we would gather round the campfire, split a few beers and munch on some wonderful Svetlana/Olga production.  

Our route described a 500km rough arc from Irbit back to Ekaterinburg.  The mileage may not seem great but you have to remember that some half of it was spent off-road.  Once or twice the going got so tough that we needed to find a tractor to tow the Mercedes through and then four or five of us had to haul each machine over ruts about two or three feet deep.  

This time the Mercedes van got stuck and the local farmer came out to lend a hand.  He eventually had to go and get a tractor…

This time the Mercedes van got stuck and the local farmer came out to lend a hand. He eventually had to go and get a tractor…

 Our second night stop was just outside the village of Glinskoye.  Here we were scheduled to have a free day so that we could do a little touring on our own.  However, we were told that Sergei was off to do ‘a little shopping’ and we could go with him if we liked.  Most of us did and we were not disappointed as the day developed in traditional Russian style.  We did indeed call in at a village shop – and very well-stocked it was too.  Next we rumbled to a halt outside an imposing pair of double gates by a beautiful house with carved decorations.  In we went to find the owner, Nikolai - not surprisingly a woodcarver by trade – who had a rather good banya (a traditional Russian steam bath) to one side of his yard.  After some banter we were all invited back later in the afternoon for some samogon (home-distilled liquor) and a good steam.  We trundled off through the village backstreets to another house into which Sergei disappeared; out came the owner who turned out to be the mayor of the commune.  He took us off to his market garden where we picked all the vegetables – carrots, onions, leeks, beetroot, tomatoes, for our meal later.  Did we want a cup of tea next, asked Sergei.  Yes!  This day was building up a momentum all of its own.  He took us to a ‘stolovaya’ a Russian workers’ canteen which serviced the factory over the road.  The factory was once in collective farm ownership but had metamorphosed into what the mayor, Pavel, called a cooperative producing milk and meat.   

In the stolovaya the serving ladies were disappointed that we had come all the way from England and were not eating their food.  Sergei took up their cause.  Three times he pressed us and in the end we could not refuse any longer.  Pelmeni (a kind of Russian ravioli) were served up for the meateaters and lovely crunchy salad with stewed vegetables for the non-carnivores.  National honour satisfied Sergei and the ladies beamed proudly at us. 

Back at the campsite we delivered the vegetables and another meal was served up mid-afternoon.  At five o’ clock we were back at Nikolai’s for the banya and beautiful pizza-like savoury pastries followed by sweet plum and apple ones all freshly baked by his wife.  This was washed down by his samogon (grain, water and yeast and nothing else, Nikolai told us) and a delicious non-alcoholic strawberry compote.  

The secrets of the banya….

The secrets of the banya….

The banya (naked – the Russians will hear of nothing else) was about as hot as I could bear.  But Sergei was a hard man and threw more water on the coals. Then he started the rub-down with ‘venniki’ - the bundles of birch leaves which had been soaking and which Russians claim are the cure for virtually all ills.  At the end I was so jiggered that when Sergei said ‘Get up’ I thought that he said ‘Stay there’ and lay motionless.  After two attempts he obviously concluded that I was possibly dead and started heaving me off the table for resuscitation.  Served him right, I thought darkly. 

It was past eight by the time we got back to the campsite well-scrubbed and steamed to find Pavel the mayor and Larissa his wife who had come to pay us all an official visit.  They are keen to encourage tourism to the area they explained.  It turned out that there had been two hundred campers on this site a few days ago and a he had arranged a special clean-up for the foreign visitors.  They were a very pleasant couple and we chatted as night fell and Svetlana and Olga served up yet another meal.  Speeches were made, medals awarded, presents exchanged and vows of friendship made. 

As I lay in my sleeping bag that night I ruminated that when a Russian asks you if you want to go for a little shopping it is wise to tag along for the ride.  I suddenly realised too that I had eaten five full meals that day.  Which kind of made up for the day before when for reasons I never quite fathomed all we ate was two doughnuts until the evening.  Russia – it’s feast or famine. 

The days slid past and our itinerary seemed to slip into a very Russian dream state. They even have a word for it: ‘mechta’.  This is often translated as ‘dream’ but it is really a daydream, a kind of sleepwalking state applied to all functions.  It is truly maddening when you are trying to organise anything but deeply relaxing when you are on a tour such as this.  All you have to do is lie back, stop asking questions and appreciate each moment as it passes. The weather continued to be fabulous – warm sunshine and a cooling breeze – and the bikes rumbled along taking everything in their stride.

The van gets stuck again.  Sergei and Sasha take the opportunity to brandish the map………….

The van gets stuck again. Sergei and Sasha take the opportunity to brandish the map at the passing tractor driver…..

 At the end of our final day we found ourselves in the village of Bingy a few miles from the larger town of Nevyansk.  We rolled to a stop outside a seemingly ordinary wooden house, its double gates were opened and we guided the combos into the yard and parked up.  Then the owners, Steffan, a German and his Russian wife Olga took us for a tour of their home.  In this country you really never know what is round the corner.  This was a kind of eco-guesthouse.  So along with the solar showers and the compost toilets there was an extension to the house built by traditional methods.  This appeared to mean that despite the river at the bottom of the garden it was not set on a concrete raft and so tended to expand and contract according to the atmospheric humidity.  Rare is the day, Steffan told us, that you can open both the door and the windows.  It tends to be one or the other…….  Best of all though were the four yurts in the garden – a real bed for the night!   

Before dinner a Russian Orthodox priest came to bless us and the bikes.  He stayed to eat and it turned out that before the priesthood he was lead guitarist in a punk rock band.  And so it was that I found myself in a small village somewhere east of the Urals having a vodka-fuelled in-depth discussion with this priest about Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention.  It was that dreamstate again.

Blessing the bikes…

Blessing the bikes…

 The final morning was tough.  We took to a motorway to get back to Ekaterinburg and this became a kind of endurance test.  Russian main roads and motorways are dangerous.  There is little of the highway engineering we are used to in the west, the surfaces are poor, and the traffic fast.  This doubtless accounts for the accident statistics – which are horrific. So we hung on grimly.  Levels of concentration were not helped by the fact that this seemed to be a famine day.  One fried egg for breakfast and that appeared to be it.  After about sixty kilometres we turned off and headed for the continental divide – where Europe meets Asia.  This is not apparently a notional line but was scientifically validated by Vasily Tatischev in the 18th century.  We lined the outfits up, shook hands across the two continents, ate lunch (a small bar of chocolate) and then, as the skies darkened for the first time on our trip, we headed off to a compound where we parked the bikes up and took a coach back into Ekaterinburg through a cloudburst.  How satisfying to have missed it on the combos by minutes…..

To the left - Europe.  To the right - Asia.  You can see the storm clouds massing behind us.

To the left - Europe. To the right - Asia. You can see the storm clouds massing behind us.

 Next morning, there was a last-minute scramble for the plane back to Prague and we only just made it.  As I watched Ekaterinburg disappear below I reflected on the whole experience from the time we decided to go to that very moment. 

The trip did not come cheap.  The basic price for one was 1900 euros and for two was 3700 – which included the flight to Ekaterinburg.  Say about £3000.  Then there is the flight to Prague which cost us £160 and the visa fees which also came to £160.  It is strongly recommended that you have a number of immunisations two of which are not available on the NHS and these cost a whopping £200 per person.  So that’s another £400.  All that adds up to not far off £4000 for the trip for two.  Against that you spend very little on the trip itself since all the food is free and so is most of the alcohol.  All the same, £4000 for a two-person one-week holiday is, in my book, expensive.  If you were simply to take off with your combo from the UK you could get a long way for that sum and doubtless have many adventures on the way. 

I’d like to say that the whole thing was well-organised but, hand on heart, I cannot.  For me that is part of its attraction.  If you want an adventure then you have to accept that it can get messy.  That is the nature of adventures.  Otherwise you would book a holiday with one of those firms that pretends to be extreme but in which every minute of every day is very safely accounted for.  And you still pay a fortune. 

But the trip wildly exceeded our expectations.  We just loved the whole thing.  We made some good friends; we got to see parts of Russia that were really off the beaten track; we were able to immerse ourselves in Uralling; and each day was filled with incident and interest.  We had a real adventure and what more can you ask for?

That was a fine adventure…..

That was a fine adventure…..

I’m afraid that I can’t attribute any of the photos above. I myself didn’t bring many images back because my camera got soaked in the lake. So most of these photos were taken by the others on the trip but I can’t for the life of me remember who took what. I’m sure they won’t mind.

ET IN ORCADIA EGO

I thought that I’d do something a bit different this month: one longer piece rather than three short ones.  And it’s a travel piece – to kind of throw a virtual window open since physical travel is so restricted for the moment.  So what follows is an account of a journey I made to Orkney many years ago on a little Italian motorcycle that I had just rebuilt.  I sold the article in advance to the editor of a now-defunct motorcycle magazine by pointing out the historical Italian/Scottish connection and by making the chapel built by Italian prisoners of war on the island the destination.  The payment for this was a princely sum: £800.  That was enough to fund the journey and some over, so off I went.  I took slide film, a 35mm SLR and a circuitous route. 

Since I am reproducing it here for a readership that is largely non-petrolhead I will take the opportunity to point out some of the conventions of motorcycle journalism as it goes along.  The motorcycle travel piece tends to be an uneasy triptych of technical detail, daredevil riding and the occasional geographical reference. Mine, I like to think, tended to break this mould because to me a motorcycle was simply an exciting way of getting somewhere interesting. So the destination was central.

I’ll start off, nonetheless, with the convention of the machine establishing shot: this is a standard in which readers are invited to gaze upon the epic beauty of whichever particular machine has been chosen for the journey.  Ideally this is taken on the open road but for some reason that I cannot now remember I took this one on my drive.  The bike is a 1976 350cc Italian Moto Morini .  I had spent the previous year neglecting all domestic duties in order to rebuild it from the ground up.  I did some sea trials and deemed it to be of merchantable quality and fit for purpose i.e. reliable and fun.  The account below is exactly as I wrote it twenty-odd years ago and as it was published.  I threw away my own slides a while ago so the pictures are scans from the printed article. Title and subtitles are courtesy the magazine subeditor. The picture captions are my own and written for this blogpost.

The Machine Establishing Shot. To my eye it is a very pretty little motorcycle And look at that crankcase (the lower part of the engine). Art Deco or what?

The Machine Establishing Shot. To my eye it is a very pretty little motorcycle And look at that crankcase (the lower part of the engine). Art Deco or what?

 THE ITALIAN CONNECTION

Aaaah, la dolce vita!  I am sitting back in the late afternoon sunshine outside the kind of café that only the Italians do properly.  As I sip at my cappuccino and demolish a gelato I consider the Art Deco lines of my Morini’s crankcase at the pavement’s edge.  Around me the locals chat in their incomprehensible dialect.  Over the road is the harbour, boats cheek by jowl along the jetty, and in the distance blue hills rise in a warm haze.

Where do you think?  Naples, maybe?  Or a little coastal village in Tuscany?

Guess again.  This is Troon.  That’s Troon, west of Glasgow.  The blue hills in the distance are on the island of Arran.  This café is one of hundreds dotted about Scotland and still run by the descendants of Italians who migrated here in the 19th century.

What better way to spend a few spare days than to take another Italian classic – the Moto Morini 350 – and investigate this connection?  And it doesn’t end at cafés because further north – much further north – there’s another enduring monument to Italian culture.  It’s a little chapel on a barren strip of land looking  out over the silent waters of Scapa Flow…..

Café Society

The Morini is a 1976 Strada which I bought as a wreck and rebuilt over a couple of years.  This is its first long run and I’ve spent the first day whizzing up through Northallerton, Richmond, Penrith and finally over the border by Dumfries.  Many years ago I stayed a night in Dumfries.  In a pub that evening I asked the barmaid what sort of a town it was.  It used to be very quiet, she told me, “until they opened a branch of Marks and Spencer.”

img348.jpg

I end this 300-mile day with a wonderfully sunny 60-mile ride up the Galloway coast, spending the night in Troon, where I search for the legendary Togs Café. It’s not hard to find and it does not disappoint.  The frontage is classic coffee bar and a sign announces that it was established in 1901 and is “under the personal supervision of Wilma Togneri”.  The window display is a monument to confectionery pleasure, featuring jar upon jar of sweets with names like Soor Plums, Rhubarb Rock, Liquorice Satins, Floral Gums and Midget Gems.

Next morning I saddle up under threatening skies and the first drops of rain fall as I set off for Cavani’s West End café in Saltcoats.  Its frontage is less impressive than Togs but the window sweets are even more imaginatively named: Polly Pastilles, Mixed Oddfellows, Clove Rock, Rich Butter Perfections and, my favourite, Mixed Boilings.  By now the rain is heavy.  The Morini takes this in its stride and I am rather pleased in retrospect that I rewired the whole thing with the north European climate in mind.  A total rewire may sound impressive but in fact the Morini’s electrics are not all that complicated.

It is a further convention of the motorcycle article that there must be periodic detail shots of the machine in case any reader had forgotten that it is, as one editor once said to me “all about the metal”. This is the kickstart. Remember them?

It is a further convention of the motorcycle article that there must be periodic detail shots of the machine in case any reader had forgotten that it is, as one editor once said to me “all about the metal”. This is the kickstart. Remember them?

In Largs, Nardini’s is perhaps the best-known of all Italian cafés in south-west Scotland. 

But why is there such a  proliferation of Italian caffs in this far north-west tip of Europe where the climate is generally less than Latin?

The great Italian migration started around 1860, most of the immigrants being itinerant statue sellers from the regions of Lucca and Frosinone, escaping desperate poverty in their homeland.  They found a greater demand for ice cream and cafés here than for statues and diversified to suit.  By 1905 there were 336 ice cream shops in Glasgow alone.

Nardini’s turns out to be in a different league from those I’ve seen so far.  It opened in 1935 and on its first day served 4000 customers.  In its heyday it was the largest café-restaurant in Great Britain – it even had the first soda fountain in the country.  Then it fell on hard times as the popularity of places like Largs succumbed to the lure of the package holiday.  It went into receivership briefly but is now back in apparently thriving business.

I park the Morini under Nardini’s awning.  Inside, it’s something of a cross between Art Moderne and Palm Court.  Customers sit in gilded cane chairs at glass-topped tables; inlaid screens and cabinets are scattered around the room.  The shop sells patisserie and chocolate specialities made on the premises.  You can even buy bridal mannequins.

The Morini had minimalist instrumentation. A speedometer, a rev counter (above) and three instrument lights, one and a half of which you can see above. None of them was for ignition but one was for main beam - which struck me as being a curious set …

The Morini had minimalist instrumentation. A speedometer, a rev counter (above) and three instrument lights, one and a half of which you can see above. None of them was for ignition but one was for main beam - which struck me as being a curious set of priorities. The speedo and rev counter were made by the Italian firm Veglia - or Vaguelier, as they were known here: as you can see above, the rev counter indicated 750rpm even when the engine was switched off……

There is a mouthwatering menu and even though it is not yet midday I know that I have to do my journalistic duty.  I sit myself down, place helmet carefully on spare chair and peel off my dripping waterproofs.  The staff do not even blink – always the sign of a classy establishment – and I order the waffles special with vanilla and chocolate ice cream, the two hardest flavours to get right in my view.  They are delicious when they come, especially the chocolate which nicely balances bitter with sweet.  But - oh the waffles - they are cold and heavy!  Surely the whole point is that they should be light and piping hot so that the ice cream melts over them?  Well,the cappuccino makes up for this and 30 minutes later, restored, I venture out into a rain whose terminal velocity on my helmet almost buckles my knees.

Don’t take the tablets

I consider taking the hideously expensive ferry over to the Isle of Cumbrae to investigate what I have seen billed as the ‘infamous’ Ritz café in Millport but my will is weak in this weather.  It’s twelve quid for the ten-minute ride there and back. “Is it worth it?” I ask the guy on ticket sales.  He looks over his shoulder at the weather.  “Ye must be joking” he says.  So I set off through the sluicing cloudburst of a day to sweep round Wemyss Bay then over the Erskine Bridge and on to the Highlands.  Rain gets a bad press but I am enjoying myself.  It isn’t cold and my waterproofs are well up to the job. 

I shoot up the side of Loch Lomond and it is in the Crianlarich Station Tea Room that I come face-to-face with the infamous Tablet.  For those who don’t know it, this quintessentially Scottish confection is a formidable slab of boiled butter, sugar and condensed milk.  One treats it with the utmost respect.  A journalist once ate two portions by mistake and claimed to have had a near-death experience as a result.  I examine it warily from a distance then order a large mug of tea in preparation for my assault on Rannoch Moor.

And it’s a good job that I do.  Many years ago I walked over Rannoch Moor and agreed with the the old saying that “on a bad day, it tends to promote the view that hell need not be hot”.  Today is a bad day.  Heavy rain, scudding cloud and racing wind are a fitting backdrop for the sheer black rock face and endless expanses of bog and heath; and there’s a ghostly yellow sheen too across this Dantean vision.  I speed through it all, the wind pushing me towards the roadside ditch and rain dashing itself against my visor in sudden squalls.  If a pterodactyl had soared across this primeval scene I wouldn’t have so much as blinked.

The little Morini romps through it.  The Metzelers (tyres – Ed.) are surefooted and the engine drums away faultlessly beneath me.  In any case, the roads up here are Morini-friendly, though very much at the mercy of topography: that it to say, they are good and bendy with firm surfaces but you have to share them with everyone else.  The one I am on now was built by General Wade for the British army clearing the Highlands.  Since it’s virtually the only way through loch and mountain it has to share its route with the railway and a long-distance footpath.  So you are there with the vans and the coaches and the cars and the caravans and the locomotives and the walkers.  It’s only further north and west that much of this drops away and you can have most of the awesome roads to yourself.

Black water

For a few pounds I spend the night in a hostel in Fort  Augustus and then bowl on up the east side of Loch Ness bright and early the next morning.  And bright it is.  The sun is out and fluffy white clouds are drifting across a blue sky.  But, my word, that loch is still very, very black. 

The Kyle of Durness. It is a further immutable of motorcycle journalism that any view - no matter how spectacular - is editorially unacceptable without a motorcycle in it.

The Kyle of Durness. It is a further immutable of motorcycle journalism that any view - no matter how spectacular - is editorially unacceptable without a motorcycle in it.

The traffic gets thinner and thinner on the road up to Ullapool.  It’s a fine run down into town, lined with rhododendrons and giving great views of the sweeping bay.  Beyond the town it’s mostly single track roads.  They rise and fall past little black lochans as shafts of sunlight thrust their way onto the peat and the moss.  At Kylesku I pass a memorial to WW2 midget submarine crews of XII Submarine Flotilla who trained in the three lochs which meet here.  I peer into the dark waters below the memorial and can foresee only blind terror if I were obliged to dive deep into them in a diver’s suit astride some sort of giant torpedo.  There are 30-odd  names on the memorial.

Further north the road spins down a long glen which finally opens out in the Kyle of Durness.  This is midsummer and the light evenings are otherworldly.  The sun goes down in a spectacular display, bathing the surrounding hills in an ethereal glow.  It’s gone 10pm but everything that can reflect this dying light does: the grass shines, the sheep shine, cars, windows, walls, seagulls, road signs – they all flash like hundreds of tiny flares until the sun disappears and the world returns to its normal three dimensions.

The sun is back next morning and we have an easy gallop to the Orkney ferry terminal.  Over the water, at Stromness, every hotel and B and B seems to be full.   The only single room I can find is at the best hotel in town, so I bite the bullet and resign myself to a couple of days of luxury.

Stromness really is the most extraordinarily atmospheric town.  Settled by Vikings and built around a beautiful natural harbour, it’s a real sea-soaked old salty dog of a place, from its horned helmet down to its trawlerman’s boots.

Traffic is not heavy here.  Glancing through the local paper, as I always do on my travels, I notice that a local man, up before the magistrates for jumping a red light came up with a  novel argument.  Traffic lights, he insisted, are  “ a precautionary measure” and of advisory status only.  The beaks weren’t impressed, and down he went.

A further convention - the scrapyard shot. Shooting classic machinery in decaying or dilapidated surroundings is considered visually sophisticated by editors. It does indeed point up the beauty of the motorcycle but also carries a certain metaphoric…

A further convention - the scrapyard shot. Shooting classic machinery in decaying or dilapidated surroundings is considered visually sophisticated by editors. It does indeed point up the beauty of the motorcycle but also carries a certain metaphorical heft. There is that suggestion of resurrection or salvation………… And you thought it was all all ton-ups and black leather?

I stroll up the main street of the town – more of a meandering alley really “uncoiling like a sailor’s rope” as the local writer, George Mackay Brown, put it – listening to the local accent which is a beautiful mixture of Scandinavian and Scottish.  At Point Of Ness, looking out over Hoy Sound, I lie on the pebbles in the late afternoon sunshine and watch the seals frolic, honking and barking and splashing.

That evening I undergo an experience bordering on the spiritual in the unlikely surroundings of The Ferry Inn.  On the way up, purely in the interests of cultural research, I have been sampling a range of malt whiskys.  They are all good, but this evening I put the local Highland Park – the softest dulcet little thing – up with a piece of smoked haddock.  Then I am  no longer in the world of ordinary mortals.  It is truly the greatest combination in the world.  To celebrate this exciting discovery I have several more glasses and just about avoid being carried out on my shield.

You are now in a position to appreciate what a daring shot this is. Lobster pots and no motorcycle.

You are now in a position to appreciate what a daring shot this is. Lobster pots and no motorcycle.

Chapel Works

My final destination, the chapel at Lamb Holm, is an ornate creation that is clearly not at all local in conception.  It is a true Italian connection.   In the 1940s Orkney was home to several hundred Italian prisoners of war, captured mainly in North Africa.  They were shipped to Orkney to work on the Churchill Barriers, a massive series of causeways which seal the eastern approach to Scapa Flow.  It’s not clear who had the idea of building the chapel but it was largely realised through the drive and talent of one of the prisoners – Domenico Chiochetti.  With simple materials and scrap the Italians transformed two Nissen Huts into the beautiful chapel which stands there today.

Relations between the Italians and the Orcadians seem to have been very good and when the prisoners left, the islanders promised to look after the chapel.  It became something of a place of pilgrimage for visitors though the weather inevitably took its toll.  Chiochetti was eventually traced to Moena, a village in the Dolomites, and he returned in 1960 to restore it.  It was rededicated before he left and he wrote an open letter to the Orcadians: “The chapel is yours for you to love and preserve.  I take with me to Italy the remembrance of your  kindness…..  Goodbye, dear friends of Orkney.”

When I arrive the place is crowded with two coachloads of tourists but I wait until they disappear and I have the place more or less to myself.  It’s beautifully maintained and,  like most things on Orkney, very atmospheric.

The Italian Chapel at Lamb Holm.

The Italian Chapel at Lamb Holm.

Last lick

The following day I get the early ferry back, the cheap one from St Margaret’s Hope to Gills Bay.  I have some misgivings when the SS Rustbucket hoves into view but what it lacks in apparent seaworthiness it makes up for in very fine fried egg rolls. I am back on mainland Scotland in an hour.

Early morning sunshine has given way to heavy rain for the long haul back down the A9.  On a whim, I turn left at Inverness and head for Lossiemouth through the deluge.  Standing under the awning at Rizza’s Ices, I enjoy a good vanilla watching a spectacular display of thunder and lightning as raindrops bounce off the Morini’s tank.  I’m tempted to try a gelatofest in Musselburgh or to ride back through Edinburgh where Valvona and Crolla’s delicatessen and restaurant can induce financial ruin. But enough is enough and I kick the little motorcycle back into life and hurtle southwards towards a horizon so dark it seems to prefigure the end of the world.”

I visited Orkney two or three times by motorcycle and had a good nose around but this is the only article I ever wrote about the place. This story didn’t end there though. When I got back from the trip I sent the article and the slides (untouched by any digital process in those days!) down to the editor. The article duly appeared in the next issue of the magazine.I then had to go away for a few weeks. When I got back I found that my bank account had not been credited with the agreed £800. I rang the editor. He was terribly sorry, he said, to tell me that the magazine had just gone bankrupt and there was a long line of creditors…..

(If you are at all interested in the story of the Italian prisoners on Orkney there is a great film directed by Michael Radford: Another Time, Another Place starring Phyllis Logan.)